Monday, April 22, 2013

An urgent message to Winter.



Just leave, Winter.
Dear Winter,
I’ve been thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you have outstayed your welcome. By a good month and a half. I’d like to let you down easy, but it’s way too late for that. Remember the little talk we had when April rolled around? Apparently you weren’t paying attention. So now I’m just plain pissed off and want you to know exactly how I feel about you.

When I moved back to the Midwest 15 years ago from sunny Arizona, I knew you’d be here, and I accepted that. It’s Minnesota, after all – it goes with the territory. But when you start knocking on my door in early October and continue to hang around into late April, that’s just not cool. When fricking Iceland and Sweden are experiencing warmer temperatures than here, the situation has reached beyond ridiculous. You really need to get the hell out of here. Now.

You have some good points. You can be attractive on a good day. You look pretty when the sun hits you a certain way. It’s nice to have you around at the holidays. You can even be somewhat charming and fun to play with. And I imagine your snow is “good for the farmers.”

But on the whole, you are like a distant relative that I’d really rather not interact with.

What makes this situation worse is that my favorite season, Spring, is on the way, waiting patiently on the tarmac at a distant airport, but the plane isn’t cleared for takeoff. When it gets here, Spring will bring new life, warmth, baseball, love, ice cream, fresh fruit, barbecues, long walks in the woods, my after-work outdoor runs, and just about everything worth living for. And much of the country is already enjoying all of this – and has been for about a month.

But no, not here. You are frigid, icy, inconvenient, annoying, and unnecessarily just plain cold. Your wind in my face makes it hard to breathe. You seem to enjoy turning nasty around Thanksgiving when people are trying to travel, and on most Monday mornings. Your icy roads kill innocent people. You even make walking to my mailbox a dangerous proposition.

Let me be clear, you’re no longer welcome here. I’m not interested in participating in your apparent goal of joining the record books for “latest snowstorm ever” or “lowest April temperature ever recorded.” I’m beyond tired of having my furnace on, using my down comforter at night, and driving with heated seats.

I hope you read this note and get the point. But you won’t – you never do. By the way,  I’m not amused by the “going-away party” you have planned for tonight and tomorrow and I will do my best to drive home, shut my garage door and ignore your little prank. You’re not funny, you really aren’t.

Wishing you a quick demise,

Tom

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